Pick one faith and stay with it. Dilettantism is the mark of
an amateur.
Familiarize yourself with the specifications for sacrificial
victims, and ensure that unacceptable substitutes cannot be
unexpectedly introduced into the ceremony. If the penalty for
not-to-specs work is death and/or mutilation, consider
working for a more fault-tolerant deity.
Avoid needless embarrassment. Practice the correct
pronunciation of your deity's name in the privacy of your own
room before chanting it in public.
Flash cards are often helpful.
Before agreeing to impregnation by a supernatural being,
investigate the survival rate of the other women who have
undergone the procedure.
Never invoke anything bigger than your head.
Eschew deities whose followers are all young; such faith
groups usually employ an unpleasant retirement procedure.
Avoid all cabalistic jewelry over ten pounds in weight -- it
attracts unwelcome attention from tourists, policemen,
various supernatural creatures, and can be downright
dangerous during thunderstorms. Its jingling also tends to
warn the hero of your approach.
Citronella candles may not be used in rituals. I cannot
stress this enough.
Pastel colored candles in the shape of cute animals are like
direct sunlight to the Powers of Darkness.
If the spirit contacted during a seance begins offering
financial advice, you're dealing with a con artist, and not a
genuine medium.
Always keep your kit with you: candles, chalk, incense,
silver knife, Thuggee cord, service revolver, garlic, and cab
fare.
Fluorescent lighting is very annoying to most netherworldly
creatures.
When the Black Mass goes awry, stay away from the Evil
Priest. Enraged Demons always go for the pompous.
When a religious artifact begins emitting light, close your
eyes. Thousands of cult members could be saved every year if
they followed this simple safety tip.
When mutilating cattle, avoid the ones with testicles.
During ritual sacrificing, taking bits home for later is now
generally considered "bad form."
Contrary to historical belief, drugs and invocations do not
mix. When The ritual goes awry, it is vitally necessary to be
able to discern between The gibbering monstrosity to pump
full of silver bullets and the gibbering monstrosity that
will fade away after a few hours, some B complex, and a good
hot bath.
Piety and belief are powerful things, and few forces in
nature, can stand against one who is true to his faith, his
god/goddess, and the deal made In exchange for the soul.
However, it is also true that gods tend to side With the
heaviest artillery, so be prepared to change sides at the
drop of a hat.
For those situations where a fresh, living, sacrifice is not
available, The lower ranks of demons can be fooled by
microwaving a previously frozen Chunk of ex-victim and
cleverly jiggling it. However, a mock victim sculpted from
Spam is unacceptable.
Instead of picking human victims who are young, virginal and
innocent (and tend to turn out to be the Hero's girlfriend),
see if you can substitute mass murderers, lawyers, and other
people who won't be missed.
Subject: Tips for Evil Cult Members 
Sun Jul 26, 2009 4:56 pm
